Dear Pearl

Dear Pearl,
Today you realised finally that we are not what we used to be anymore. So much changed in just a couple of years. We were kids when we met first. So young, so full of life, of hope, of optimism. I was drawn to the sound of your laughter, to the your halo your messy hair made in the morning sun, to the light in your eyes. I had my fair share of heartbreak. When I first saw you, I didn’t get too close. Because I knew, how easy it was falling for you. But fate kept pushing us together until, one day, you were standing in front of me. “Hi! I’m Pearl. You must be–” My heart racing, I knew it was too late. But I made up excuses. Maybe it would be different. Maybe it would be a fresh start. New beginning. Maybe you’d be different.

Hours turned to days, days to months, we kept discovering each other, until there was nothing more to discover. And when “friends” fell short, we replaced it with “soulmates”. Those stolen moments, away from the world. Huddling under an umbrella, running from the rain. Getting lost in your eyes. Whispering hopes and dreams. Unravelling you, thread by thread. Knitting a future, you and me, together. Stringing words into necklaces for you to wear proudly. Pulling, pushing each other on. Do you remember that night when we danced in the moonlight? It was so perfect. Just you and me, against the whole world.

But perfection never exists. It never did. While I let go of the past, you held on to it, unable to believe, unable to trust. My word was never enough for you. My promises were never enough. At first they were small. A little comment. A little remark. Arguments. Fights. Every time you’d slam the door on me. And every time I’d standing the rain, with a bouquet of apologies. Days after days, same thing. They say a woman gets possessive over you, only when she truly loves you. I don’t doubt your love. I doubted us. And I tried. I tried so hard and so many times to make you see it. But you refused anything, but the twisted version that you wrote, refusing to believe anything else. You kept pushing me away, expecting me to come back with some apology.
Until one day I didn’t. I don’t remember why. Maybe it was the fear of being left alone in the world, fear of being unloved, that kept me attached to such a toxic relation. But one day, enough was enough. I made it clear I wasn’t coming back. You thought it was just another of our little “fights.” That one day I’d come back and we’d be dancing under the moonlight again. I still remember those words. “But I always push you away, and you always come back to be mine again. What happened now?” I could hear the tears dripping down your cheek. And believe me if I could, id still wipe them and comfort you in my arms. I’d say “I’m sorry, I was a fool” and for a week, it would be alright. Then another fight . Cycle repeated. You needed a Superman. I needed a Damsel-in-Distress. Maybe I loved the idea of being in love with you more than actually being in love. How do you define “being in love”? I was addicted to taking care of you. You were addicted to my attention. Until that day. The day I floated away.

Some nights I still wake up thinking of you. How we could have ended. How it could have been. Whose fault was it? Is it my fault for leaving>? Or is it yours’s for pushing? Either way, I know, there is no black and white answer. I know there are many days when you cry for me. So many times you miss me. I miss the days when we were a team. I miss the moment under the mistletoe. I miss getting lost in your eyes. I miss the Pearl you used to be. Before the fall. There are moments when I want to run back to you, take you in my arms, and whisper “It’s all right, I’m here” But at some point, you just have to give up. At least I know, in my heart, I left no stones unturned, trying to salvage us. You got hurt the most this time. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to heal you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you on your insomniac nights, to lull you to sleep. I’m sorry. I know I’m the source of your worst pain. The best thing I can do now, is not do anything.