Paris

We both wanted to visit Paris. It was our Fifth Anniversary.  Months of planning. Preparation. And finally here we are. Its evening now, the sun is on the horizon. Social media duly updated. Obligatory selfies duly taken. Here we are, just her and me, finally together in the city of Love. As we walk, hand in hand, the sound of sax, flute and guitar floated through the night air. She looked at me. The corner of her eyes crinkle and she smiles. I smile back. The restaurants smell delicious. But we had a different destination. The old, cliched. Eiffel Tower. The Eternal Symbol of Paris. The stars, high up, twinkle, as we approach the Tower.

I wanted to visit Paris ever since I was a kid. I read about it in the Da Vinci Code, and fell in love with the city. The Louvre, the Seine, the streets and the sounds. The people, the scent, the feeling. Like a perfect symphony, that, only few know about, and a chosen few, ever stopped to listen. The sky was inky blue, and everyone walked by in their own way, talking, singing, shouting. A perfect symphony. I was visiting Paris first time, but somehow, I knew, In my heart, I have finally reached home. Maybe, I’ll take out all my savings after I retire, buy a guitar, and a small apartment overlooking the Siene, and play to the city. A sad, sweet ode to the city I never knew, yet knew so well.

She wanted to visit Paris, but for an entirely different reason. She keeps looking at the faces, the people. I know what she is looking for. Him. Even after all these years, I know, there is still a part of her that refuses to let go of him. He told her he was going to take her to Paris, New York, Amsterdam, Tokyo, London. Him and her. Sitting on her roof. Looking at the stars. Back when the stars were still shining. When the world was 2 blocks wide. When wars were fought by knights in shining armour. And when the prince rescued princesses from dragons. And she found her knight. He promised her the moon. She promised him a heart. Then one day, he disappeared from her life. Leaving behind a letter. She told me she threw out the letter years ago, but I know, she keeps it in the bottom most drawer, and reads it every night I’m late home. She says she has gotten over him, but I know she hasn’t. She never will. The nights spent looking at the stars. The days spent in each other’s arms. The secrets and promises. They are buried. But never thrown. I look at her, the broken mess of a person that he left her. How much I love this broken mess. She jokes and laughs, but I know, deep down, she is still in love with a man she will never have. She can’t never be mine the way I want.

And there is nothing I can do to change that. I will always be the second. The consolation prize, the second best, the safe option. I knew from the first moment she hinted about her past, that she was never over him. But I was too much in love with her. Five years later , and a kid back home, I still love her as much as the day I first saw her. She says she loves me. And I believe her. Because that all I can do. Trust her. That’s all anybody should do. I never forced her into getting married to me. And we had our real moments. And when we finally got married, it was the happiest moment for both of us. But in her eyes, I still see the longing. The hunger. For him. Someone who I can never be..

She takes out her phone. Her friend messaged her to ask her if we really are in Paris. She starts typing. I wrap my arm around her to guide her and her face gets buried inside the phone. She snuggles little closer to me and keeps walking. “I have to send her a selfie. Come!” she smiles, as she pulls me closer to, raising her arm. I smile. She clicks. Then goes back to typing. My jaws feels strained. Maybe its because I’ve been smiling for so many photos with her. Its not that I don’t smile with her. It just that smiling for a photo .I never done it before her. “You better keep the phone away. We are reaching the Eiffel” “Yeah hang on” The street turns and I see it. The first view. The Eiffel tower. Suddenly my body feels light. My eyes swim, blur. I feel dizzy. Lightheaded.

My vision clears after a few moments. I’m at the foot of the Eiffel tower, in the park.. I look around. I’m hallucinating. The sky is blue. Its morning. I turn my head and see her. We are lying on the grass. She is resting her head beside mine.,looking at the sky. She turns to me. “Doesn’t that cloud remind you of that dog you had, Ricky?” she laughs pointing. But she is older. Her hair has grey streaks. The corner of her eyes have wrinkles now. But she looks as regally beautiful as the day we first met. And her eyes. The shine and sparkle like diamonds. I don’t see the emptiness, the longingness, of him anymore. This is how it was supposed to be. The memory of this life flashes in my mind. The perfect life. She, no more a broken mess with a scarred heart. It was just me and her, lying on top of each other, stargazing. Reading stories and legends of princes and kings and knights in shining armor. Me and her perched over a world map, pointing places we would like to go. We both pointed Paris, and our fingers touched. She blushed and pulled away. She kissing me shyly and quickly outside her door. Me getting down on one knee in front of her. He never existed in this life.

I hear children laughing. Now two kids run onto us. “Ma! Papa” they shout. I can see them now. A girl about 5 years of age. A boy about her age, maybe a bit older. And a dog. We get up and they leap into our arms, laughing, shouting. The dog licks me. I feel my face wet. “down boy!” the girl shouts. “So Ariana, did you have fun?” “Yeah mom, only Porus here ruined it” “Hey shut up!” the boy says, struggling to reach her through his mothers hug. “Now kids, mind your language, or else we won’t come back here” she says sternly, then breaks into a laugh. I look at them. Her. Our family. Our life together. It is so perfect.

“Dear Amias,         Please don’t try to find me. I found him. Tanishq. He is in Paris. He told me he was ready to have me again. He told me to come to him. I have taken a small amount out of our savings and I left yesterday. I know you don’t deserve this.I hate myself for this, for doing this you you, for our kids. You are a great guy. But I want to live my own life, make my own choice. I love him. And I’m following my heart. Please don’t be mad. And please take care of the Ariana for me. I’m a horrible mother. A horrible person.  I’m so sorry things didn’t work out between us. I hope you stay well. I can’t stay tied up to you, to everything. I know you will understand. And I love you for that. Farewell. And give my love to Ariana.

Yours 

Aurelia

P.S. A lawyer will contact you about my divorce. Tanishq arranged it for us.

The note crumpled in my hand. I didn’t feel anything. I felt the emptiness of the house.  I felt the absence of her presence. I felt the cold, the numbing pain. I stumbled to the kitchen for a drink. The knife lay on the kitchen counter. I felt myself take the knife. I felt the slash. In my neck. I felt the cold steel blade cutting open my skin. The slash. I felt my legs give way. I felt was stabbing myself. Worthless. Weak. Meaningless. Bloodied, I lay on the kitchen floor. The same floor where we danced to the week before while making macaroni and cheese. Now red with blood. I felt the blood oozing out of my body, drawing every last ounce of my lifeforce. Ahh, I thought. The blood will take away all the memories, the pain. Aurelia won’t come back. She took everything, except the poison in my veins. Let the blood pour out. Every last drop of the poison will flow out, and I will be healed again. I felt my eyes close as I lay there, bleeding.

“Daddy, where is mommy ?” a voice pulls me back to reality. Closes the wound. Makes me stand up again. Now I’m standing on the kitchen counter. I look at my hand. The note crumpled. The knife on the counter “Whats that Moonpie?” “Where is mommy? I can’t find her anywhere?” I felt my eyes sting. The pain. The shame of not being good enough for her. For my daughter. “Did mommy leave us, daddy? Is it because she doesn’t love me, or you?” Her eyes swelled up with tears. I could see the pools, collecting, her eyes glistening “Oh no Sweetbeans, come here” I picked her up in my arms, blinking away the tears. “you see Honeypie” I rocked her gently,  wiping her tears. ”A lot of kids don’t have a mommy and a daddy like you. Mommy has gone to be their mommy for a while.” “And when will she be back for me?” “Oh honey. After she tucks into bed all those kids into bed, like I’m gonna tuck you in right now, she will be back” I carried her to her room, singing her favourite lullaby. “How long will that be daddy? When will she come back?” she asks me, sitting up on her bed. I place a hand on her forehead. “As long as it takes for all the little kids who don’t have a mommy,  to have a mommy for one night. Until then, I will be you mommy, and your daddy.You understand that, don’t you Honeypie?” she nodded, her face serious. Then she leaned in, whispering. “I miss mommy. But she is doing something good. I have two parents. I  will be sad, but I won’t be afraid of sharing if someone has no one.” My eyes filled up with tears “and if you are going to be my mommy and daddy from tomorrow, you must know, mommy always makes cake for me for breakfast!” she said seriously. “alright you sly little muffin. Go to bed, you have school tomorrow. “ I tickle her and she giggles. “stop it daddy! I’ll sleep, I’ll sleep” She then turns on her side, looking at me with her big, starry eyes.  “Daddy? You will stay, right?” I kneel beside her bed. “Yes of course dear. I’m never going to leave you!” “Can you stay with me tonight? I’m scared.” “Yes Moonpie, I’ll stay all night ” I sat on her bed, stroking her hair, watching her fall asleep. “I love you, daddy’ She murmurs in her sleep.” I love you too, Ariana” I whisper, kissing her softly on her cheek. She smiles, snuggling in the blanket, scooting closer to me. My  precious angel. My universe. The only pure thing left, in a wicked, wretched world. A beautiful, fragile rose.