THE LEAF

I saw a leaf blowing in the breeze. Here, in the middle of the city, sitting in a park bench, drenched in the noise of the city, I saw a leaf twisting and turning in the wind. My phone was in my hands. It was a ritual now. Coming here in my lunch break. Sitting here in the exact spot. Going through everything that happened. Dropping a few tears. Leaving. Except today, there was a leaf here. Blowing in the wind. Aimlessly. It fell from the tree, then blew sideways, till it landed on some kid’s bike. The kid hardly noticed, neither did he care. He rode off in his bike, the resulting momentum exchange lifting the leaf up in the air. Now it was falling slowly, steadily, when suddenly, a small dog jumped at it, swiping and biting, barking playfully. “Rick! Come on boy!” I heard a woman shout. The dog let go of the leaf and sped away, and the leaf landed on my feet.

It was a yellow reticulate leaf. Nothing special about it. But sitting there, somehow, the leaf felt familiar. Wasn’t I too, like the leaf, fallen? Gotten too, well not old, but something, boring maybe? And fallen from my tree? And now, having to live life on my own. Every choice I make is my own now, cut off from my tree. Randomly, blowing in the wind, just like me. Having no aim, no rhyme or reason. I’ve fallen too. Hard. I opened her texts. Everything from the beginning. Till the end. Last week. I fell so deep that I allowed myself to be consumed by her, in her scent, in her laugh, in everything that she said and did. I let my life become her’s. After all, isn’t that what we’re taught? Love selflessly? To fall and have no reservations about it?

As Chris Martin crooned once, Nobody said it was easy. BUt seriously, where do we draw the line? It’s not easy. How do I differentiate an act of insecurity with an act of toxicity? How do I seperate the toxic? I looked down at the leaf. The yellow colour is due to necrosis of the chlorophyll. How similar is that leaf to me? I could feel my cells inside dying, turning yellow, living without the nurtients that is her. Just like the leaf, I could feel the necrosis. In my heart. The cells that made me laugh. The cells that made me cry. The cells that made me sing. THe cells that made me enjoy life. Dead. I was a meatbag with no desire to reach for something greater than the base desires that connects us to beasts. The worst part wasn’t the fact she chose to cull me like a weed in her garden. It’s that she chose to replace me with someone else while cutting my roots. The betryal of trust hurt more than the actual act.

The leaf spoke to me. “So, what are you gonna do about it?” it smirked. I looked around. A man talking to a leaf would sure draw attention. Am I going crazy? “What are you talking about?” I asked, careful not to look down. “I asked, what are you gonna do about it now? She’s there, and now you’re here. You mop around for her. And now, you’re talking to a leaf on thr ground. So my question is, what are you gonna do about it?” It asked. “I don’t know. What will you do?”

“Oh nothing. Just go where the wind takes me. Wither away. Dissolve into nothing. Go back to the ground.” “To be honest” I sighed. ” That seems like a good option. Dissolve right now in the arms of this city I love so much. I’m sad but I’m content right now. At this instant, in the sun, by myself, cradled by the sounds, the smells, the sights. Everything that makes this city what it is. She destroyed the last thing that made me want to live. ” “Hmmmm, you’re talking like me. A old leaf. In leaf terms, I’m as old as those old wise dudes who offer the protagonist valuable advice. Like Yoda or that tortoise from Kung Fu Panda. But you’re not me. You’re young. You’re the protagonist. “

“Yeah? Where has being the protagonist got me? Staring at a yellow leaf in my lunch break, and having a conversation with it. I’m not the protagonist. I’m just some dude with clear delusional disorders.” “Or a flower waiting to bloom, full of artistic potential. There are more than one way to look at something.” ” Are you gonna sprout plant based wisdom now? ” The leaf got quiet. “Let me go. You can’t stop me from my fate. And I can’t stop you from yours. Just don’t-” Just then a gust of wind lifted it from my hand “don’t let your fate decide your life” I heard it’s voice. What? I wondered. I saw the leaf lift up. Higher. Higher. Higher. Till it landed on the sidewalk, and get stepped on by pedestrians. Have I became so much like the leaf that I’m allowing the memories of her to step on me? Slowly destroying me?

“Hi, do you know the way to the hospital? ” A voice shook me out of myself. I looked up to see a pretty woman looking at me expectantly. “Umm excuse me? ” “The hospital? Do you know how to get to-‘ ” Oh no yes yes, I do. As a matter of fact, I work there.” I got up. “Would you like me to take you there? ” I asked. She smiled. “I’d like nothing more”